- Noah’s Shark
- Director by Mark Polonia
- November 21, 2021 (US)
A televangelist and his film crew set out to find Noah’s Ark only to find it is guarded by a curse and a demonic shark.
Sometimes you go into a movie expecting nothing more than marginal entertainment. You are not seeking greatness but just a good time. And sometimes you go in expecting a dumpster fire but want to know how bad it will be. Noah’s Shark is the latter. And calling it a ‘dumpster fire’ is being kind.
This is a no budget film shot by the clearly inexperienced to either make a buck or because they thought making movies was a breeze. I am not calling moviemaking brain surgery, but it is clearly more than point and shoot. You need some moderately capable individuals in all aspects of the task. And this has nobody like that anywhere. I am not even sure they had a script writer that produced an actual script!
As a movie, Noah’s Shark is laughably cheap. That under the right hands can play into a movie’s charm. There are tons of cheaply done films that have turned that cheapness into a strength. Not in this movie. They tend to ignore their budget limitations and try to reach way beyond their capabilities on EVERYTHING. From effects to sets to locations, they looked like they wanted to do something much larger than they could afford.
This movie’s 71 minutes of story is all over the place. It involves a fame seeking televangelist and a reality show producer and the Witch of Endor (not that Endor) and a lost son of Noah that appears in sources not in the Bible. There are demons and sharks and a secret society. They even leave the country! They tossed everything they could at this story and somehow only got 71 minutes out of it.
The locations are somebody’s house, what appears to be a local community center standing in as a television studio, and the woods near a trailer park. Seriously. I am not trying to be humorous with any of that. Watch the scenes and you get the feeling they traveled very little. I do not need international travel but a few miles is needed to change things up.
In this story the Ark is cursed and guarded by a demonic shark. Why is a holy relic cursed? Don’t know. Apparently it all connects to Noah’s forgotten son, and how he tried to bring the shark on the Ark. Huh? Let that bit sink in. And at some point two more sharks are involved. But that is only in flashbacks.
The acting is absolutely horrendous. There are table reads that are more intense and engaging than this. Did they have a script or was this all improv? I cannot tell. Improv under a skilled performer can be bad but come off as an actual script. Think Ghostbusters ’16. The jokes are bad and that is assuming what looked humorous was intended to be humorous. That could have been a complete accident.
Noah’s Shark is the very definition of low budget filmmaking. Some people make little budget films because they don’t have the money to do the big budget things they wish they do. They reach beyond their grasp rather than tailoring the execution of their idea to what they can actually accomplish. Others make as schlocky of a thing as they possibly can because they’re not going for quality. They’re either trying to make a fast buck or maybe even just having some fun. I’m really not sure what they were going for with this.
The costumes are either whatever the actors had in their own closets or something purchased from the Spirit Halloween store. The special effects are bad computer graphics even for a video game. The shots are so tight the head fills the screen. Some of these people need their nose hair trimmed! And the idea is just laughably ridiculous. Yet they do not know how to make that bit work.
Noah’s Shark is one of those things you should only watch if you want to watch something really bad. And this is really bad. This train wreck is a curiosity but not something worth seeking out.
Warren Watched A Movie 