Santa’s Slay

• Written and Directed by David Steiman
• December 20, 2005

After 1000 years of spreading joy because he lost a contest with an angel, Santa Claus returns to his violent ways and must be stopped.

Santa Slay is a horror comedy I had heard about a few years ago but had never been able to find a physical copy of or locate on streaming where it wasn’t behind a pay wall. Thank goodness for Tubi! It has been the source of many niche movies for me.

For a movie that most people have probably never heard of, Santa’s Slay opens with quite an eclectic cast of known actors of the time. James Caan, Rebecca Gayheart, Chris Kattan, and Fran Drescher appear only in the opening as a bickering family in a scene just to show the type of Santa (Bill Goldberg) we will get in the movie. I never thought I’d see a movie with Fran Drescher and James Caan in it but here we are. That is quite a coup for a no-name director making a low budget movie.

The opening scene with the rich family getting killed is a complete unknown to the characters in the story even until the end. No mention of a murdered rich family nearby or anything like that. It does nothing for the narrative though without it the movie probably barely makes an hour.

That cast is in addition to Robert Culp, Dave Thomas, and Saul Rubinek appearing as Grandpa Yuleson, the lecherous Pastor Timmons, and deli owner Mr. Green respectively showing up in a movie that they had no business being in. Not sure how David Steiman or whoever convinced any of them but I’m glad they did. All were able to add something special appearing yet never overstaying in a scene.

This is a holiday horror comedy with very mild gore that is often funny. No side splitting jokes but you’ll laugh either at the kills that are aimed at being comedic or general bits of dialogue. People get impaled on things but there are no entrails and now that I think of it I don’t think there’s a single squishy sound in this.

The jokes range from humorous kills to bad puns to just juvenile bits. That’s not an insult. It’s good for that stupidity. We have Pastor Timmons asking for bills at church only so he can use them at the local strip club which is open on Christmas. Interestingly Goldberg met his wife on this movie. She’s the stunt woman in whose crotch he buries his face. That’s weird. I’m curious if their son is aware of all the details of their meeting.

This was not a major release so it’s working on a much smaller budget. It never looks cheap aside from a few poorly aged special effects shots. Santa’s Slay is short which allowed them spend more per minute than if they had tried to make it longer.

According to the movie a thousand years ago Santa lost a curling match to an angel forcing him to make Christmas a joyous holiday rather than one to be feared for the next millennia. With that time up Santa has travelled to the township of Hell for revenge.

Say what you will about Bill Goldberg, but he shines in this part. He’s having fun playing a murderous Santa crafted to look like a mad viking. Santa is equal parts biker and Nordic demon. I think only Goldberg in the early 2000s could’ve done it justice. He certainly looks the part and gives it the right humorous edge.

If you couldn’t figure it out Grandpa Yuleson is the angel that tricked Santa into the agreement. He kept his human form because he loved the grandmother enough to give up all of his angel powers. Considering this started a thousand years ago I need to ask if grandma was immortal like grandpa. He gave up angel powers but gained immortality? Did he meet grandma when he returned to Earth in prep for Santa? I have no idea. It was not well explained. Not that you will care too much.

Grandpa Yuleson’s grandson Nicholas (Douglas Smith) has a not-so-secret attraction to Mary “Mac” McKenzie (Emilie de Ravin) and she looks to be okay with that. She’s practically throwing herself at him and he just doesn’t seem to see it despite having a crush on her. She even bought him a knock off Megatron! That is practically a nerd mating call!

I like how Santa’s Slay never takes mean pokes at religion, gun culture, Christmas traditions, Christmas specials, and even Marlboro miles of all things. They are humorous acknowledgements of how strange by themselves some things can be. It’s all so random yet natural in this almost absurd world they create. Some of it like the Marlboro Miles might be unknown to modern audiences and only land with older viewers. Never does Santa’s Slay NOT feel festive. It creates its own version of Christmas spirit and magic that evokes the season.

Opening scene’s disconnect aside, there’s nothing really wrong with this movie. Even the opening scene isn’t really that bad. It just helps establish what we’re going to get. Maybe not a perfect movie but it’s a well-done movie. It is hilarious and entertaining. The jokes come steady.

Santa’s Slay is an excellent Cult Classic comedy Christmas slasher. It’s funny and goofy and somehow manages to feel Christmasy in an odd sort of way.