Starcrash

• Italian: Scontri stellari oltre la terza dimensione, lit. Starfights Beyond the Third Dimension
• Directed and Co-Written by Luigi Cozzi
• December 10, 1978 (West Germany)

An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to save his son and destroy a secret weapon built by an evil count. This is an experience.

Though seen as a Star Wars knockoff, Starcrash rips off numerous movies. From Star Wars (obviously) to Jason and the Argonauts and the Talos statue scene. That’s all in a movie that makes virtually no sense starring a random assortment of actors. Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro, David Hasselhoff, Joe Spinell and Christopher Plummer all show up in a movie that comes off like a 90-minute drug trip.

This is a movie that makes you think everybody involved from the very beginning to the very end was high to one extent or another. It’s nonsensical and careens from start to finish more wildly than Stevie Wonder might behind a race car using a nitrous tank. Steven Seagal has a better grasp on script logic than was demonstrated here.

The effects used are decades behind the times this came out in. I don’t say that lightly. Stuff produced for television in the late 70s was far better than what we get here. I was not expecting the quality of Star Wars (which was amazing by the standards of the late 70s) but it makes a Flash Gordon movie serial from 30 years earlier look polished. 

This plays like a Power Rangers episode. It has all the general execution of a kid’s series. Phrases like ‘space police’ and ‘space robot’ get tossed around like candy from a parade float. It has Star Wars aspirations saddled with Saturday morning kids show ability. The costumes are straight out of the 1950s or so. Women dress in space bikinis and not functional clothing. The sets lack the quality of the late 60s Star Trek. This doesn’t even stand above Buck Rogers.

The performances are distinct like each actor is in their own movie. Christopher Plummer as The Emperor treats his dialogue like Shakespeare. He took the Michael Caine in The Muppets Christmas Carol approach. Caroline Munro as Stella Star performs her lines like she’s in a serious though not high-quality action production. Marjoe Gortner as Akton is way too perky to have not been on some good 70s drugs while filming. Then there is Joe Spinell as Count Zarth Arn who is more Snidely Whiplash than sinister villain. Lastly David Hasselhoff as Prince Simon comes off as kind of surprised and confused like he was not expecting to be in a movie.

Our heroes are on a mission to track down Count Zarth Arn and save Prince Simon. When they find the Count they are to destroy his planet as if that’s a thing people do all the time with a few sticks of dynamite. I found this more funny than exciting. Prince Simon is a survivor of the original expedition and didn’t know he was in the right spot the whole time. We have a robot named Elle that’s supposed to be C-3PO but is done in a way that doesn’t infringe on the copyright in anyway. Akton has psychic powers and Stella Star just looks pretty in her bikini.

There is a great amount of unintentional hilarity. Sometimes you laugh at yourself for being willing to watch. Other times a line of dialogue or situation is so stupid that you can’t believe it actually made it into a movie that thinks it’s a serious production. The acting is so bad that it makes it even funnier.

Starcrash can only be enjoyed by true lovers of bad film. Anybody looking for something marginally passable will be seriously disappointed. It’s bad dialogue and bad special effects even by the standards of the day. I say avoid it at all costs for most people.