Supergirl ’84

• Directed by Jeannot Szwarc
• July 19, 1984 (UK) / November 21, 1984 (US)
• Based on Supergirl created by Otto Binder and Al Plastino

After losing a powerful orb, Superman’s cousin comes to Earth to get it back and finds herself up against an evil witch using it.

Another day and another find in the wilds of used retailers. This time it was the 1984 Cult Classic Supergirl. I recall this coming out with minimal hype mostly due to the Superman connection only to vanish with such speed that Supes would get jealous. This film embodies the worst aspects of the original series. Superman The Movie is classic and perhaps the greatest adaptation of a comic to the screen ever. As the series went on, the films took a shocking drop in quality and that is what I am talking about.

Worse it feels and looks shockingly cheap. The special effects and the opening montage and even the music by the great Jerry Goldsmith feel like bargain basement Superman. There’s no energy to any of this. It’s all going through the motions. Somebody decided a gender swap was the best way to reignite this once profitable series but forgot a love for the material was necessary.

Argo City, home of Supergirl/Kara Zor-El (Helen Slater), is just a series of tiers packed with extras in generic cheap garb reminiscent of a TV post-apocalyptic utopian society. The membrane/barrier surrounding the city are thin plastic sheeting one might find in any hardware store. Wizard/artist/city leader/whatever Zaltar (Peter O’Toole slumming it) looks to be wearing a high end fashionable 80s sweater while giving a performance that implies he has no idea how he got there.

Nothing seems to matter in this story. It all is very casual no matter the seriousness. Zaltar lifts Argo City’s means of survival just to play with it and when it gets shot towards Earth he casually strolls off to punish himself in The Phantom Zone. Kara’s random drive to find her cousin to then find the Omegahedron has all the stakes of deciding what to watch. Her people will die without this glowing prop. When? Eventually.

What should be a ticking clock of trying to save the city is more like a videogame you can press pause on and come back to later. There’s no need to move quickly despite the loss of the magic power source of the Omegahedron. While there is plenty of blame in this for director Jeannot Szwarc, enough is available to cast at lead Helen Slater. She makes a 2 x 4 look dynamic. She is stiff and wooden with a performance that’s more inconsequential girlfriend than it is main character. No need to acclimate to this new world. She just automatically fits in.

Faye Dunaway is tarot card reader Selena who becomes a real witch after she gets the Argo City power supply which does magic. Sure. With dreams of global conquest and sleeping with a university gardener she decides to put a dastardly plan into action which involves taking over a university town. Then pretty much stopping

Selena uses a love potion on hot college gardener Ethan (Hart Bochner) but things get wacky when he falls for Supergirl instead. Then it devolves into petty jealousy over a guy. This is a major source of the animosity Selena has for her opponent in the movie. All that is missing in one of the most sexist plots I have seen is a cat fight reminiscent of one from Dynasty.

A good chunk of this movie, at least when it comes to Supergirl, is looking for her cousin Clark Kent. Weirdly she turns down several opportunities to find Clark. She is also well aware of Clark and his life but equally ignorant of details leading to him. She knows all about him but has no idea where he is. Huh? Reeve was supposed to cameo but bowed out. Rather than delete his presence they poorly put up hindrances to the pair meeting. His absence is explained via ONE LINE over the radio but never mentioned to Supergirl by anybody she talks with. Superman is arguably the best-known name on the planet but nobody seems to say to her he is on a mission of peace to a distant galaxy.

To establish a Superman connection Jimmy Olsen (Marc McClure) shows up and does nothing beyond getting captured. Introduced to live action is Lois’ sister Lucy (Maureen Teefy) who forces herself on Kara going by Linda Lee as a friend.

There are moments of distinct imagination of this undone by poor production values coupled with a need for silliness over something that treated the material as seriously as the first Superman film. Superman The Movie was an excellent distillation of the comics at the time. Supergirl is closer to something from twenty or so years prior.

It’s just a careening mess of contrivances and bad comedy. It has no idea what it wants to be or how it wants to get from Point A to Point B. No growth or learning for the character. Like a TV show of the time, the status quo was restored by the credits.

I hoped that Helen Slater’s version of Supergirl would be good or possess some redeeming value but it’s just bad. There is no joy to be found in this.